Ahh you're back, well please do take a seat because I have an admission that may well shock you, stun you and probably leave you a little bit amazed..... "I have faults"...there I've said it and though you may very well be, at this moment, trying to understand the ramifications of this most startling of admissions I am afraid the cat is well and truly out of the bag and there is not a snowball's chance in Hades of getting fluffy back into his canvas holdall!
As regular readers may know (there must be some? any?well just one? please!) I have fought a constant battle with depression or as I term it here upon occasion 'the Black Dog' over several years now. My struggle with this dark bitch has been just that, a constant struggle that at times has caused me to lose my way and flounder through life like a de-masted schooner in a angry tempest off the Cape of Good Hope, sometimes at the top of a wave I see salvation whilst other times I find myself at the bottom of a trough with nought but darkness around and within me. Now you may well be wondering what this has to do with my earlier admission that I am not completely perfect and there is the odd fault contained within myself. Well some of my faults, yes I do have more than one fault, I feel are a direct result of depression whilst others have served to only compound my depression.
Tis hard, I think, for the majority of people to be truthful about their shortcomings and when asked to list them folk just generally brush off the request with light hearted banter and remarks such as "I'm really poor at getting up early" or "I sing badly in the shower" and the like. But I have found that as I am slowly beginning to 'manage' my depression a little better that one thing that helps is to actually admit to my faults, firstly to myself and then sometimes to others whom are directly affected by them.
So how has this worked for me? Well I will try to explain as best as I can without the use of too much Anglo Saxon (well that's buggered it already). One of my faults is my impulsiveness to take on a project, task or the like when I already have a thousand and one other things on the go. The usual result of this is for me to either not complete said projects, tasks or ideas or to finish some off but to a totally, for me, unsatisfactory level which then leads to me berating myself and becoming disillusioned with myself. In other words I start down the path of not feeling good enough which then can be one of the triggers that allows the Black Dog to get a hold on me. I think that this particular fault has been part of my makeup since an early age but I have never, until recently, actually admitted it to myself let alone anyone else. But just the simple admission of this flaw has allowed my George and myself now to address it, take stock and actually take action in the form of reducing my 'projects' and the like so that I can be more attentive to a few and make a far better fist of them. So my list of hobbies, if you like, has now become somewhat shorter of late and it consists of simply just walking, fishing, blogging, the aquarium, the garden and my allotment. For me all of these hobbies are conducive to relaxation and they are all pretty much what I would call 'mature hobbies', in that they are now established and require just 'tending'. The Morris Minor is to be sold without a spanner being lifted and a myriad of other, smaller projects, have been either dismissed totally or put on the very, very back burner. The
Another fault, or symptom, of mine is one that seems to occur when I am already traveling the downward spiral of depression and that is complete financial mismanagement. I think that I may spend money on items, whether it be for the garden, clothes or 'men's toys' in a subconscious attempt to cheer myself up, to give myself something to look forward to, a buzz if you like. But shortly after buying something I'll be looking to purchase the next 'fix' and before you can say 'Wall street crash' my finances are in a right bloody mess. This also accelerates my the downward spiral in a couple of ways, firstly the burden of being heavily overdrawn adds its own pressures and secondly being in a relationship I have certain financial responsibilities and failing these again adds more pressure to my fragile mental state. But again actually admitting and facing up to this has helped and now, with the help of my George, I have a financial strategy in place that will certainly prevent overspending on frivolous items hence easing more pressure from my mind.
I guess what I am trying to say is that one of the steps that you can take to ease life's pressures is to be honest with yourself, discover your flaws and be upfront and admit to them, I feel that is only then you can address them and put a plan of action in place which may well help ease the pressures in your life, something that perhaps most people need not just us happily depressed types. I have only used two of many of my flaws as examples but I hope that you get the gist of what I am trying to say. Until the next time take care....
John the organised...ish.